Divorce, the Nervous System and Our Children: What Parents Need to Know

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by Parenting Coach Bernadette Najjar of Thrive Together Parenting

As parents navigating the turbulent waters of divorce, we often focus on the practical arrangements—custody schedules, living arrangements, and financial settlements. Yet beneath the surface of these logistics lies something far more profound: the intricate dance of nervous systems trying to find safety amidst uncertainty.

If you're reading this, chances are you're experiencing one of the most challenging chapters of your parenting journey. The weight of wanting to protect your children whilst managing your own emotional upheaval can feel overwhelming. You're not alone in this struggle and understanding how the nervous system responds to the stress of family change can be a compass to guide you through.

The Science of Safety: Understanding Our Nervous System:

Dr. Stephen Porges' groundbreaking Polyvagal Theory offers us a map for understanding how both we and our children respond to the stress of divorce. Polyvagal Theory focuses on what is happening in the body and the nervous system, and explains how our sense of safety, danger or life threat can impact our behaviour.

Picture your nervous system as having three distinct states:

The Social Engagement System (Ventral Vagal) This is our optimal state—when we feel safe and connected. In this state, we can think clearly, communicate effectively, and respond to our children with warmth and patience. Our face is relaxed, our voice is calm, and we're capable of seeing situations from multiple perspectives.

The Fight-or-Flight Response (Sympathetic) When we perceive threat or danger, our system mobilises for action. During divorce, this might manifest as arguments with your ex-partner, frantic worry about your children's wellbeing, or an inability to sit still. Whilst this response can be helpful in genuine emergencies, chronic activation leaves us feeling exhausted and reactive.

The Shutdown Response (Dorsal Vagal) When overwhelm becomes too much, our system may shut down to protect us. This can look like numbness, withdrawal, or feeling completely disconnected from yourself and others. Parents in this state might describe feeling like they're "going through the motions" or struggling to feel present with their children.

Your Children's Nervous Systems: The Ripple Effect

Children's nervous systems are naturally more sensitive and less regulated than adults. They rely on us to help them feel safe and make sense of their world. When family structures change, their nervous systems are constantly scanning for signs of safety or threat.

Understanding Your Child's Developing Brain

It's crucial to remember that your child's brain is still developing. The prefrontal cortex is one of the last regions of the brain to reach maturation, which explains why some adolescents exhibit behavioural immaturity. In fact, the brain's frontal lobe, especially the prefrontal cortex, isn't fully mature until around age 25 and sometimes beyond.

This means your child's capacity for emotional regulation, decision-making, and impulse control is still under construction. As the prefrontal cortex matures, the child is increasingly able to regulate or control emotions, plan activities, strategize, and have better judgment. During divorce, when everything feels uncertain, expecting adult-level emotional regulation from your child isn't realistic or fair.

What Survival Mode Looks Like in Children

When children feel unsafe, their nervous systems shift into survival mode. During divorce, you might notice:

Physical symptoms:

  • Headaches or tummy aches with no medical cause
  • Changes in appetite or sleep patterns
  • Increased illnesses or complaints of feeling unwell
  • Restlessness or hyperactivity

Emotional responses:

  • Increased tantrums or emotional outbursts
  • Withdrawal or unusual quietness
  • Heightened sensitivity to criticism or rejection
  • Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

Behavioural changes:

  • Regression to earlier developmental stages
  • Increased defiance or testing of boundaries
  • Changes in school performance
  • Difficulty with transitions or changes in routine

These aren't signs of weakness or manipulation, it’s your child's nervous system trying to find safety in an uncertain world.

You might notice your child:

  • Becoming more clingy or defiant
  • Having difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
  • Struggling with concentration at school
  • Regressing to earlier behaviours
  • Seeming more sensitive to everyday situations

These aren't signs of poor parenting, they are normal nervous system responses to significant change. Your child's behaviour is their nervous system's way of communicating their internal state.

Why Your Regulation Matters: The Science of Co-Regulation

Here's a profound truth that changes everything: as Deb Dana writes, "We co-regulate each other. Our nervous systems are in constant conversation." This isn't just poetic language, it's neuroscience. Your child's nervous system is constantly reading and responding to yours.

When you're in a regulated state, your child's nervous system naturally begins to settle. When you're dysregulated, your child's system picks up on that energy and mirrors it back. This is why you might notice your child becoming more unsettled when you're stressed, even if you think you're hiding it well.

Co-regulation happens through:

  • A willingness to ‘show up’ for your child, to meet their chaos with your calm
  • Tone of voice: Your calm, warm voice literally helps regulate your child's nervous system
  • Body language: Your relaxed posture and facial expressions signal safety
  • Energy: Your overall nervous system state creates the emotional atmosphere your child experiences
  • Presence: Your ability to stay present during difficult moments provides the containment your child needs

This is why working on your own regulation isn't selfish, it's one of the most important gifts you can give your children during divorce.

Moving from Survival to Connection

Both you and your children may find yourselves stuck in survival mode during divorce. The key is creating moments of connection that help everyone's nervous systems remember what safety feels like.

For yourself:

  • Name your state: Simply noticing "I'm in fight-or-flight right now" can help you shift
  • Find your anchors: Identify what helps you feel grounded (breathing, music, nature, calling a friend)
  • Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show a dear friend
  • Seek support: Your nervous system regulates best in relationship with others

For your children:

  • Validate their experience: "This is really hard" helps them feel understood
  • Offer choice within structure: "Would you like to walk or ride bikes to school?" gives them some control
  • Create rituals of connection: Special bedtime routines, weekly one-on-one time, or simple traditions
  • Stay curious, not judgmental: "I wonder what you're feeling" instead of "Why did you do that?"
  • Show up in imperfection…. Just show up!

Emergency Self-Regulation Tool for Parents

When you feel overwhelmed and need immediate nervous system regulation, try this simple technique:

The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise:

  • 5 things you can see (look around and name them)
  • 4 things you can touch (the texture of your clothes, the surface of a table)
  • 3 things you can hear (traffic, your breath, a clock ticking)
  • 2 things you can smell (coffee, fresh air, soap)
  • 1 thing you can taste (gum, tea, or simply notice the taste in your mouth)

This exercise activates your social engagement system and helps bring you back to the present moment when anxiety or overwhelm takes over.

The Window of Tolerance: Your Family's Safe Zone

Imagine each family member has a "window of tolerance", a zone where they can handle stress, think clearly, and maintain connection with others. Divorce can temporarily narrow these windows, making everyone more reactive and less resilient.

The good news? These windows can be widened again through consistent, attuned responses and the gradual restoration of safety. Every moment of calm presence you offer your child is like making a deposit in their nervous system's safety account.  (See Window of Tolerance and Emotional Regulation (Dan Siegal) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNVlppGz0zM) for more information.

Practical Strategies for Nervous System Regulation

  • Breathe intentionally: Long, slow exhales activate your calming system
  • Move your body: Gentle movement helps process stress hormones
  • Connect with safe people: Your nervous system regulates through relationship
  • Create predictable routines: Structure helps your system feel safer

For Your Children:

  • Stay present during big emotions: Your calm nervous system helps regulate theirs
  • Use co-regulation: Breathe together, offer physical comfort, speak in soothing tones
  • Maintain familiar routines: Predictability is safety to a child's nervous system
  • Validate their experience: "This is really hard" helps them feel understood

When Knowledge Isn't Enough: The Role of Coaching Support

Understanding the nervous system is powerful but knowing and doing are two different things. In the midst of divorce stress, even the most well-intentioned parents can struggle to implement new strategies consistently.

This is where coaching becomes invaluable. A skilled parenting coach doesn't just provide information; they help you integrate knowledge into your daily life in ways that feel manageable and sustainable. They offer:

Personalised guidance: Every family's situation is unique. A coach helps you adapt nervous system principles to your specific circumstances, whether you're dealing with a defiant teenager, an anxious primary schooler, or a toddler having frequent meltdowns.

Accountability with compassion: Change is hard, especially when you're already stretched thin. A coach provides gentle accountability whilst holding space for your struggles without judgment.

Real-time support: Unlike reading articles or attending workshops, coaching offers ongoing support as situations evolve. When your ex-partner cancels plans last minute or your child has a difficult week, you have someone to turn to for guidance.

Perspective during chaos: When you're in the thick of divorce stress, it's difficult to see the bigger picture. A coach helps you zoom out, recognise patterns, and make decisions from a place of clarity rather than reactivity.

Skills practice: Knowing how to co-regulate is different from being able to do it when your child is having a meltdown after a difficult handover. Coaching provides a safe space to practice these skills and build your confidence.

The Transformation Possible

Working with families over the many years, I've witnessed remarkable transformations. Parents who initially felt overwhelmed and reactive learn to become sources of calm stability for their children. Children who seemed lost in big emotions gradually develop resilience and emotional intelligence.

This isn't about perfection, it's about progress. It's about creating moments of connection amidst chaos, helping your children's nervous systems learn that even when life changes dramatically, they can still feel safe and loved.

The research is clear: structured interventions offering parenting support and education have been shown to reduce children's psychological problems during divorce. When parents understand and can work with their nervous systems, they create the conditions for their children to not just survive divorce, but to develop greater resilience and emotional wisdom.

Moving Forward with Hope

Divorce will always be challenging, but it doesn't have to be devastating. By understanding how nervous systems work and having the right support to implement this knowledge, you can help your children navigate this transition with greater ease and emerge stronger on the other side.

You're already taking the first step by seeking to understand your child's inner world. The next step is finding the support you need to transform this understanding into consistent, nurturing actions that help your entire family's nervous systems settle into a new sense of safety and connection.

Remember: you don't have to do this alone. In fact, our nervous systems are designed to heal and regulate in relationship with others. Seeking support isn't a sign of weakness—it's a sign of wisdom and love for your children.

Your children need you to be regulated and present more than they need you to be perfect. With the right understanding and support, you can become the calm, secure base they need to navigate this challenging time and beyond.

If you're navigating divorce and want support integrating nervous system understanding into your parenting, I'm here to help.

Contact me by email at thrivetoghetherparenting@gmail.com. I offer 1:1, couple or group coaching. My approach is trauma informed, strength based, science backed, and non-judgemental. I work with parents to move from overwhelm to confidence, helping you create the calm, connected family environment your children need during this transition.

For more information and to learn about working together, visit thrivetogetherparenting.com. You don't have to navigate this alone—personalised coaching support can provide the guidance and ongoing encouragement you need during this transformative time.

When looking for other professionals to support you in your divorce and separation journey it is important to find those who are trained in trauma support.  At Burgess Mee all our solicitors are trauma informed.  You can find more information about this together with useful practical tools to help you at www.withinthewindow.com

 

References

Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-Centered Practices. W. W. Norton & Company.

Neff, K. (2011)  Self-Compassion the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Yellow kite

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.

Siegel, D.J. & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The Power of Showing Up. Scribe Publications

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking Press.

 

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