My ex is unhappy that I have instructed solicitors to work through our finances – we agreed our children arrangements through mediation and he wants to resolve finances in the same way.

Dear Marcie

My ex and I have managed to agree arrangements for our three children via mediation. This has worked reasonably well and we are trying to co parent as best we can. The problem is that we now need to sort out our finances and this is going to be difficult. I have instructed solicitors and my ex is really unhappy about this. He says we should just sort it out between us like we did for the kids. I don’t feel as confident to agree the money side of things with him direct as I was to discuss the children. I have tried to say to my solicitors that I need it to be as amicable as possible as we are co-parenting but I am worried that between my ex and my solicitors it will become heated and our parenting relationship will fall apart. How can I try to keep it all together?

Best

UW

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Dear UW

You’re right to take this seriously—and to want to balance protecting your own interests with preserving the co-parenting relationship. These are big life decisions, and it’s completely valid to feel more cautious about the financial side than you did about the children. I call sorting out the finances 'The F Bomb'. so proceeding with caution is valid!

One possible middle ground could be returning to mediation, but this time focused on finances. Many mediators are trained to guide financial discussions in a neutral and structured way. This gives you the benefit of professional support—someone to make sure the process is fair, transparent, and balanced—without immediately escalating things through lawyers. Some mediators also work alongside legal professionals, so you can still get legal advice between sessions if you need it.

If your ex is reluctant to involve professionals at all, you could consider having an initial conversation about shared principles—things like wanting to be fair, open, and keep things child-focused—and then explore whether you might begin the discussion yourselves, with the understanding that you each have the option to check in with legal advice if needed. That approach might help him feel more included and less defensive, while still giving you the safety net of support.

That said, it’s important to trust your gut. If you feel unsure about navigating the financial discussion on your own, that’s a sign you need support—and that’s okay. You can still involve a solicitor in a way that reflects your values. You might even consider writing a short note or having a conversation with your ex along the lines of:

"I know this change feels uncomfortable, and I hear that you want to keep things simple. I do too. But the financial side feels more complex to me, and I want to be sure I’m making clear decisions. I’ve asked my solicitor to approach it calmly and respectfully, and I’d love to keep the spirit of cooperation we’ve had so far."

The most important thing is to continue modelling respectful, calm communication—because that tone will shape how things unfold. You're not just trying to get through this negotiation—you’re laying the foundation for how you’ll communicate and solve problems as co-parents for years to come.

Take care

Marcie