From Survival Brain to Thriving: Moving Out of Fight-or-Flight During Divorce

by Parenting Coach Bernadette Najjar of Thrive Together Parenting

Divorce has a way of hijacking our brains. One moment you are a rational, loving parent making thoughtful decisions, and the next you're lying awake at 3am catastrophising about the future, or finding yourself in yet another heated argument with your ex-partner. If this sounds familiar, you're not broken, you're just human. More importantly, you're experiencing what happens when our most primitive brain systems take over during times of perceived threat.

Understanding why divorce sends us into survival mode, and more crucially, how to find our way back to calm, connected parenting, can transform not just your experience of this challenging time, but your children's as well.

The Reptilian Brain: Your Ancient Alarm System

When we talk about ‘survival brain’ we're referring to the oldest part of our nervous system, what neuroscientist Dr. Paul MacLean called the ‘reptilian brain’ (Maclean 1990) or what's more accurately described as the brainstem. This ancient alarm system has one primary job: to keep you alive.

Dr. Rick Hanson, neuropsychologist and author of Buddha's Brain explains that our brains are essentially "Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones" (Hanson, 2009). During divorce, this negativity bias goes into overdrive. Your brain becomes hypervigilant, scanning for threats everywhere, in your ex-partner's text messages, your solicitor's tone, your child's behaviour, even in innocent interactions with friends.

This constant state of alertness is exhausting. As Dr. Amy Arnsten's research at Yale University shows, when we're under chronic stress, the prefrontal cortex, our brain's CEO responsible for executive function, emotional regulation, and thoughtful decision-making, goes offline (Arnsten, 2009). We literally lose access to our wisest, most capable selves precisely when we need them most.

How Survival Mode shows up in divorce

Your survival brain doesn't distinguish between a sabre-toothed tiger and a nasty email from your ex-partner. Both trigger the same ancient alarm system. During divorce, you might notice (Porges, 2011):

Fight Response:

• Increased arguments and conflict
• Feeling defensive or attacking behaviour
• Difficulty compromising or seeing other perspectives
• Impulsive decisions you later regret

Flight Response:

• Wanting to avoid difficult conversations
• Procrastinating on important decisions
• Feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks
• Withdrawing from friends and family

Freeze Response:

• Difficulty making decisions
• Feeling paralysed by the magnitude of change
• Struggling to take action even on small things
• Feeling numb or disconnected

Fawn Response:

• People-pleasing to avoid conflict
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Saying yes when you mean no
• Prioritising others' comfort over your own needs

The Cascade Effect on your children

Here's what's particularly challenging: children's nervous systems are naturally more reactive and less regulated than adults. When you're in survival mode, your children pick up on that energy immediately. Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal theory shows us that nervous systems are contagious, your dysregulated state can dysregulate your children, creating a family-wide cycle of stress and reactivity (Porges, 2011).

Your child might respond to your survival mode with:

• Increased clinginess or defiance
• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
• Regression to earlier behaviours
• Heightened emotional responses
• Physical symptoms like headaches or tummy troubles

This isn't your fault, but you can take on the responsibility of breaking the cycle.

The neuroscience of getting back online

The brilliant news is that neuroplasticity, your brain's ability to change and adapt, means you can rewire your responses. Dr. Dan Siegel's research shows that when we create space between trigger and response, we can move from reactive to responsive parenting (Siegel, 2010).

The key is understanding that moving from a ‘survival brain’ to ‘thriving brain’ isn't about eliminating stress, it's about building your capacity to return to regulation more quickly.

Practical strategies for Nervous System Regulation

Immediate Regulation Techniques:

The STOP Method:

• Stop what you're doing
• Take a breath (long exhale activates your calm system)
• Observe what's happening in your body
• Proceed with intention

The 4-7-8 Relaxing Breathing Technique: Developed by Dr. Andrew Weil, this activates your parasympathetic nervous system (Weil, 2011):

• Inhale through your nose quietly for 4 counts
• Hold your breath for 7 counts
• Exhale by blowing air out through your mouth, audibly and forcefully for 8 counts
• Repeat 3-4 times

Cold Water Reset: Splash cold water on your face or hold ice cubes. This activates the ‘dive’ response, quickly shifting you from sympathetic (e.g. ‘fight or flight’) to parasympathetic activation (where the body relaxes after periods of stress).

Building Long-term Resilience:

Morning Regulation Practice: Start each day with 5-10 minutes of intentional nervous system regulation:

• Gentle movement or stretching
• Breathing exercises
• Gratitude practice
• Setting intentions for the day

Micro-Moments of Calm: Throughout your day, take 30-second regulation breaks:

• Feel your feet on the floor
• Take three deep breaths
• Notice five things you can see
• Send yourself a kind thought

Evening discharge: Help your nervous system process the day's stress (Van der Kolk, 2014):

• Write in a journal
• Take a warm bath
• Listen to calming music
• Practice gentle yoga or stretching

Moving from ‘reptilian’ to ‘prefrontal’

The goal isn't to never feel stressed, it's to notice when you're in survival mode and have the tools to return to your prefrontal cortex, where you can parent from wisdom rather than fear.

Ask yourself these questions when you notice stress building:

• "What is my body telling me right now?"
• "What do I need to feel safer in this moment?"
• "How can I respond rather than react?"
• "What would my wisest self do here?"

Create space with these phrases:

• "I need a moment to think about this"
• "Let me get back to you on that"
• "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to pause"
• "This is important, so I want to give it proper consideration"

The Ripple Effect of Regulation

When you do the work of moving from survival to thriving, the benefits ripple out to your entire family. Children learn emotional regulation by watching us model it. They develop resilience by seeing us navigate challenges with grace. They learn that even in difficult times, they can trust you to be their safe harbour.

Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Beyond Behaviors reminds us that "our children need us to be regulated more than they need us to be perfect " (Delahooke, 2019) When you prioritise your own nervous system health, you're giving your children one of the most precious gifts possible - a regulated, present parent who can help them navigate their own big emotions.

The Practice of Conscious Parenting Through Crisis

Moving from survival to thriving isn't a one-time shift, it's a practice. Some days you'll catch yourself early and self-regulate beautifully. Other days you'll realise hours later that you've been in fight-or-flight mode. Both are normal and part of the learning process.

The key is self-compassion. As Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows, self-compassion is more motivating than self-criticism (Neff, 2011). When you notice you've been in survival mode, rather than berating yourself, try: "Of course I'm struggling, this is really hard. What do I need right now to take care of myself so I can take care of my children?"

Building Your Regulation Toolkit

Create a personalised toolkit of regulation strategies that work for you:

Physical tools:

• Breathing exercises
• Movement or exercise
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Sensory grounding techniques

Cognitive tools:

• Positive self-talk
• Perspective-taking exercises
• Mindfulness practices
• Gratitude journaling

Social tools:

• Calling a trusted friend
• Seeking professional support
• Joining parent support groups
• Working with a coach

Spiritual tools:

• Meditation or prayer
• Time in nature
• Creative expression
• Connecting with purpose and meaning

The courage to choose growth

Moving from survival to thriving during divorce requires tremendous courage. It means choosing growth over comfort, consciousness over reactivity, and connection over control. It means acknowledging that whilst you cannot control what's happening to you, you can influence how you respond to it.

Remember: your children are watching not just how you handle this crisis, but how you handle yourself within it. They're learning that challenges can be opportunities for growth, that emotions can be felt and moved through, and that even in the darkest moments, there is always a choice to return to love.

Your nervous system has carried you through every challenge you've ever faced. With the right tools and support, it will carry you through this one too - not just surviving, but thriving in ways you never imagined possible.

If you're ready to move from survival to thriving but need support implementing these strategies consistently, I'm here to help. Through my 12-week Jai Transformational Parenting Program, I work with parents to build practical regulation skills that create lasting change in their families.

For more resources and to learn about working together during this challenging time, email me at thrivetogetherparenting@gmail.com to arrange a free 30 minute consultation or visit thrivetogetherparenting.com. You don't have to navigate this transformation alone—sometimes the bravest thing you can do is ask for support.

References:

Arnsten, A. F. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410-422.

Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges. PESI Publishing.

Hanson, R. (2009). Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. New Harbinger Publications.

MacLean, P. D. (1990). The Triune Brain in Evolution: Role in Paleocerebral Functions. Plenum Press.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. Bantam Books.

Weil, A. (2011). Spontaneous Happiness: A New Path to Emotional Well-Being. Little, Brown and Company.